Post by Rick Redner on May 15, 2014 10:11:33 GMT -5
In this thread I'm asking men with prostate cancer (and their partners) to add to this list of foolish and/or unhelpful responses to receiving the news that you have prostate cancer. Additionally, I'll explain why these comments are not helpful so those who are lacking in sensitivity or wisdom can learn the reasons why these comments hurt rather than help.
1. That's too bad, my father, (Uncle Cousin, etc) died from prostate cancer. This isn't helpful, because it heightens the fear and anxiety men are already coping with.
2. At least you have a "good" cancer- When you are the one diagnosed with cancer you don't feel good
about having prostate cancer.
3. After surgery I was depressed about the quality of life changes brought about by prostate surgery. When I shared that with a friend she said "Why do you think you need emotional support? You've been cured of cancer and you should feel grateful." Telling people how they should feel based on your assessment of the situation is a very bad idea. Listening without passing judgment is the way to be helpful.
4. Blame the man with cancer for his disease- If you didn't eat so much dairy and red meat you could have avoided prostate cancer. Blaming someone for their disease AFTER a diagnosis is not in the least be helpful.
5. I'll pray for you. There's nothing inherently wrong with that response. As a Christian I appreciate and place a high value on people praying for me. Yet I've experienced this used as a way to shut down discussion. If someone offers to pray with you without you asking for prayer, and/or without the person asking if there is something specific they can pray for, the odds are this offer though genuine, might serve a dual purpose of preventing you from saying anything specific that would make the person who is volunteering to pray for you feel uncomfortable, fearful or anxious. So don't offer to pray for someone unless you know in advance those coping with prostate cancer place a value on prayer and you ask if there is something specific you can pray for. Keep in mind it's possible the person with cancer is angry with God or had their faith shaken in some way, Be sensitive about this possibility before you ask to pray.
6. Comfort Clichés- These are brief comments such as "things will work out for the best" or "I'm sure you'll do fine." Comfort Clichés are not meant to provide you with comfort. They enable the person who used it to stay within their comfort zone and prevent you from sharing a real concern. When someone offers you a comfort cliche thank them and move on to someone else who has the willingness and ability to listen to what you think and feel.
If you have an experience with negative comments or comments that were anti-comforting please share them here.
Additionally if someone touched your heart or made a very comforting or helpful comment please share that as I hope to add another thread of helpful things to say to those coping with prostate cancer.
Here's an interesting article from a woman with breast cancer:
Stupid Things People Say to Someone With Cancer
1. That's too bad, my father, (Uncle Cousin, etc) died from prostate cancer. This isn't helpful, because it heightens the fear and anxiety men are already coping with.
2. At least you have a "good" cancer- When you are the one diagnosed with cancer you don't feel good
about having prostate cancer.
3. After surgery I was depressed about the quality of life changes brought about by prostate surgery. When I shared that with a friend she said "Why do you think you need emotional support? You've been cured of cancer and you should feel grateful." Telling people how they should feel based on your assessment of the situation is a very bad idea. Listening without passing judgment is the way to be helpful.
4. Blame the man with cancer for his disease- If you didn't eat so much dairy and red meat you could have avoided prostate cancer. Blaming someone for their disease AFTER a diagnosis is not in the least be helpful.
5. I'll pray for you. There's nothing inherently wrong with that response. As a Christian I appreciate and place a high value on people praying for me. Yet I've experienced this used as a way to shut down discussion. If someone offers to pray with you without you asking for prayer, and/or without the person asking if there is something specific they can pray for, the odds are this offer though genuine, might serve a dual purpose of preventing you from saying anything specific that would make the person who is volunteering to pray for you feel uncomfortable, fearful or anxious. So don't offer to pray for someone unless you know in advance those coping with prostate cancer place a value on prayer and you ask if there is something specific you can pray for. Keep in mind it's possible the person with cancer is angry with God or had their faith shaken in some way, Be sensitive about this possibility before you ask to pray.
6. Comfort Clichés- These are brief comments such as "things will work out for the best" or "I'm sure you'll do fine." Comfort Clichés are not meant to provide you with comfort. They enable the person who used it to stay within their comfort zone and prevent you from sharing a real concern. When someone offers you a comfort cliche thank them and move on to someone else who has the willingness and ability to listen to what you think and feel.
If you have an experience with negative comments or comments that were anti-comforting please share them here.
Additionally if someone touched your heart or made a very comforting or helpful comment please share that as I hope to add another thread of helpful things to say to those coping with prostate cancer.
Here's an interesting article from a woman with breast cancer:
Stupid Things People Say to Someone With Cancer
